Sue_C

(Quit Smoking 12/20/2001)

"Old Fogey²"

A year – 52 weeks - 365 days. That really doesn’t seem like much in the scheme of my life after all over 50 of those suckers have passed in rather rapid succession to bring me to where I am today. But on December 20, 2001, the year ahead loomed like an eternity. Stopping smoking for a day seemed so entirely momentous that stopping for a year like lots of the folks I saw in Blairsville, well my mind couldn’t handle that idea. But surprise here I am - a year has passed and while I really don’t think being quit a year provides me with any more insight and wisdom into the process than anyone else, I’ll share my thoughts anyway.

I started when I was 20 in my eternal search to “fit in.” I always felt on the outside looking in. Fat, ugly, shy and unpopular (or so I was told.) Once I got away to college, things started to fall more into place. I stared to date, drink, have fun and smoking looked good. The love of my life and my best friend smoked. Most of my family - father, mother, brother, aunt, uncles – smoked too, so why not me?

We move on to 30 years later. The journey of a 1,000 miles starts with a single step, I’ve always heard, so I took some steps. Three weeks before my quit date before I started on Zyban and had the patches in the house to slap on when I quit. A friend told me her doctor said smoke with the Zyban until you don’t want to smoke any more. That sounded ridiculous, when would I ever not want to smoke, but I gave it try. I woke up on the cold, December morning, smoked a couple cigarettes and thought “What am I doing? Standing out here in my robe and pj’s, it’s 32 and I’m freezing and I really don’t want this thing.” Came back in threw away what was left in the pack (and that was unheard of) and slapped on a patch. I had a back up pack there on the kitchen table, opened with none missing. I had failed so many times before it seemed stupid to throw away a perfectly good pack of cigarettes when I was just going to go to the store and buy more.

Centrally important to my quit was the fact that on Christmas Eve 2001, the 4th day of my quit, I knelt in church and gave my whole quit to God. I have, on several occasions, taken it back in to my control, but I do believe that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and He has. In asking God to control the quit, and in admitting my powerlessness over nicotine, I surrendered the fight this time. I supplied the will, as they saying goes, and God supplied the power. As well, having been a member of a 12 step program for almost 19 years, I applied what I had learned about addiction and the 12 steps to myself. Too I got a copy of the book “Out of the Ashes” which really helped me.

In all, I have always felt that my quit hasn’t been THAT bad. Not compared to what I’ve seen others go through. Yes, I have cravings – at first they were stomach twisting – but never for long. The Zyban seemed to really help. I had tried it before and found little difference, so I think for this quit I had a real attitude change as well that aided me along. I MEANT to quit and I was going to do it. The difference in my attitude this time was that it was my choice to quit. When I feel controlled and in situations which take away my choice, I fall apart. If you tell me I can’t have ice cream, for example, then that is all I want. But if I say, I chose not to eat ice cream, it’s no problem. With quitting, I knew no one was forcing me to do it, I was choosing the path I would take. Too I remember to take things just for today. I had heard long ago that I could do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to do it for a lifetime. I could NOT quit forever (and I still haven’t), I could only quit for the day I as in. When those really mean cravings hit, I promised myself I could smoke in the morning. It might have been 10 a.m. but I’d say in the morning if I feel this bad, I will smoke. (I never felt that bad in the next day, by the way). I could not look ahead to next week, next month. For a long time I only told people I was not smoking, I did not use the word quit. That implied too much permanency.

I chewed lots of Wrigley’s Spearmint (those first weeks did teach me that it is true, some people can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. I bit the fire out of my lip for two or three weeks learning how to chew that gum – LOL), I ate lots of sunflower seeds, frozen grapes, and junk food (hence the excess pounds about my waist and hips). I stated lots of time that I can lose weight, I can’t grow a new lung. In fact I lost about 20 pounds of what I gained – thing is I gained it all back.

Smoking was such an integral part of my life that quitting meant that everything I did changed. For so long I had been alone, a single mother with no family nearby. My cigarettes took the place of the people in my life who weren’t around. I was down – cigarette to cheer me; lonely – cigarette to keep me company; angry – cigarette to calm me; grieving – cigarette to comfort me. Yes, I had friends, but they too smoked, as much or more than I did. I was the last of them to quit, though, so when my time came being with my friends was one thing I did not have to change. But the rest of things, from work to taking a bath, all changed. No, I didn’t smoke in the tub , but I’d take a bath and immediately light up when I got out. Was it hard? Well not as hard as I thought it would be. I took each incident as it came and surprisingly none of them were that bad. My first real temper tantrum after quitting came and was over before I even thought about smoking. And when I did think about it, it was to realize that I hadn’t wanted to smoke, even as angry as I had gotten.

Am I happy I quit? Most days. I have to admit some days I’m still angry that smoking is bad for me, because I really liked it. My cravings mostly come when I feel fat or when I’m down. I struggle with accepting my weight now (30 pounds in 2 years, some from quitting and some from just being older), partially because of the old tapes that play in my head (mentioned above, fat and ugly), but I just have to deal with that and I will completely in due time. As far as being down is concerned, that is something I have dealt with for years and self-medicated with nicotine when I could. Again, like any life change (marriage, new baby, etc.) it takes time to learn how to deal with things differently and I will deal with this too.

But most of the time there are no cravings and I recognize the freedom I have given myself. I no longer leave gatherings early to smoke, I no longer have to wait for the smoking table in the restaurant, I don’t rush out of the theater when the movie or play is over and I don’t spend intermission at the theater out in the rain. My chest doesn’t feel like a pack of bricks is sitting on it. No longer does my mouth taste like turkey droppings when it gets I wake up. My mouth used to taste so nasty when I’d go for an hour without a cigarette, especially if I was breathing through my mouth – which I was all the time because the smoke was making my sinuses clog up. No little holes in my clothes, no ashes all over the car. I caught cold and got over it, there was no cough lingering for 6 weeks. I go on and on.

Guess what – about that pack of cigarettes I kept (bet you already know what I’m going to say)- I didn’t need it. It left its spot on the kitchen table after about 2 or 3 weeks and now resides in the drawer next to the stove under the spatulas and pot holders. I haven’t thrown it out because it’s symbol of the most successful struggle of my life. It means I am an ex-smoker.

Sue

Sue’s 2 year “ramble” I still don’t know how, other than refusing to pick up a cigarette when the though enters your mind, to quit. I don’t believe there is a reason to smoke. If I smoke again (and as an addict I refuse to ever say that I won’t do it), I will have lots of excuses no doubt but no real reason. The only reason I could possibly think of to smoke would be that I wanted to kill myself. That sure would be a SLOW way to do it though. If I smoke again, I made the very conscious choice to do so.

In the opening to AA meetings, at least at open meetings in this part of the country, they read from the Big Book a reference to those they cannot help. The phrase used is something close to “those poor unfortunates who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” When for so many years I could not quit, I worried was I one of those. Now after 2 years of not smoking, I realize that the whole thing did come down to being honest with myself. Being honest meant finally admitting to myself that my “reasons” to smoke were lies. They weren’t reasons at all, they were excuses I thought up to justify behavior that was killing me. In quitting I had to be able to say to myself that I had been for 30 years choosing death over life. Is that what I wanted?

I can spout tons about triggers, and stress and all that stuff but none of it is a reason to smoke. It may be the justification that we use in our own minds to do it, but it’s not a reason. A trigger does not make us smoke, a trigger makes us think about smoking. Only if we follow through on that thought does a trigger matter. Yes, we avoid them because it is hard to function in this world if your whole mind is on wanting a cigarette. And too, I’m not much for torturing myself with desire for something I choose not to have. Often times quitting does bring up some personal issues that we need to deal with, that we’ve been hiding behind a smoke screen. But those problems are there smoking or not, so again they aren’t a reason to smoke. We do have to deal with them so we can go on with our lives but we don’t have to allow them to be our excuse to continue to abuse ourselves.

It isn’t easy to quit. I still find myself on occasion wanting to smoke. I liked it, I enjoyed – it was my “friend” and solace for 30 years. And in times of stress or even in good times, it is easy to want to do what we’ve done to cope for years. Have any of you gotten out of a bad marriage to only find yourself thinking in lonely times, “Well maybe it wasn’t so bad?” I did and it’s kind of the same with the smoking. I find myself thinking it was better than it really was. What does Dawna say? If I romance it, I chance it. That’s the truth. If I think back on my smoking days and focus on the perceived good, then I chance going back to smoke. But if I remember how my chest felt when I woke up in the morning, how my mouth tasted (talk about morning breath), how my sinuses hurt, the coughing and wheezing I endured, then it doesn’t seem so pleasant. Once again, I can allow no rose colored glasses to cloud my vision – I have to be willing to do the hard part – face my emotions and realize that smoking didn’t change them a bit, just stuffed them away for another day.

I am an addict and like most every addict I know, I want the easier softer way to quit my addiction. But it doesn’t exist. Even if they had knocked me out for three months, I’d be willing to bet that when I woke up – after three months without smoking – my first thought would have been a cigarette. Quitting is far more a mental exercise than a physical one. When you quit, your body does its thing for a short while, but your mind, it plays with you for a long time.

There is not an easy way to do this. To a greater or lesser extent we all have to go through the same ordeal. That someone experiences their quit one way and someone else another does not diminish the difficulty of either one’s quit. JudyQ and Marsha had problems with anger and crying – I didn’t. I don’t think that makes my quit easier, just different. And I still have recurring problems with wanting to smoke popping up – they don’t seem too. Did I quit wrong? I don’t think so, I quit differently and my mind’s reaction to all of this is not the same as theirs. But so long as none of us smoke, it just doesn’t matter. We have to get through the best we can. JudyT has chewed the gum for a year – ok, maybe that’s not the best thing in the world but she hasn’t smoked. She might have put nicotine in her system but not those hundred of other hazardous chemicals. Her lungs are probably enjoying it too!

The first weeks of a quit are simply NOT SMOKING. Just making it through without cigarettes the best you can. I think that it isn’t until you are into a quit some distance that you can start facing and dealing with those problems and emotions that are rationalizations to smoke. But it still it comes down to choosing – daily, hourly, by the minute if necessary – not to smoke. You HAVE to that because if you don’t there is no quit and none of the rest matters.

I know this long and rambling and if you read this far, thanks!! Thanks to all here in BV who kept me accountable for those first weeks and months and who helped me be honest with myself and see what I was doing. I won’t call names because I’d miss someone for sure:) Help has come in many sources – from the old, old fogies with the big quits to the serial quitters who keep slugging along to the newbies who are celebrating making it through Hell Week. All of you help my quit. I don’t get here every day any more, sometimes not every week but I try to check in when I can. And I try to help when I can. And you still help me because there are times I really need to be reminded what it was like and what it could be like again if I am not vigilant. I am confident in my quit – I am not complacent. There is a big difference. I don’t believe every little thing will send me back to smoking but I do think a series of things could allow me to set myself up to smoke. So I need you to keep me alert.

Just remember, it does come down to DON’T SMOKE. That’s the first, foremost rule of all. The rest will come along. It isn’t going to be easy, there is going to be pain and upset but those all go away in time and you find a new peace and a new self-worth after that. Yes, the urges do linger – even for fogies. It’s addiction, that’s its nature. But if you don’t smoke, they get less and less and less. Once every month or three is a whole lot different than once an hour. And a fleeting thought is a whole lot different than a gut wrenching demand! Year 2 is wonderful. Not smoking is now the habit, I no longer feel something is missing – I catch cold, I don’t get a cough – I sit through a whole movie and don’t get fidgety (well depends on the movie) – I can enjoy a great restaurant and not rush through dessert (or figure dessert should be inhaled) – my wrinkles seem to be smoothing out (now that could just be my eyesight is worse!) – I feel good inside about me and about what I have done for me. There is so much more that I can’t even explain. How about it? Don’t pick up that cigarette so you can get to this side and see what we mean! LYMI - and Happy Holidays to all

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage

Knowing that stopping smoking is a free choice- not an obligation- is the key to feeling good about it. Am I doing this because I have to? Or, because I want to? The difference is crucial. When I take the position that, "I have to," I start to feel trapped, pressured, and deprived. I am as free to smoke now as I have ever been. I am simply making an intelligent, life affirming choice, which involves some difficulty at times. Knowing I have this freedom is the difference between feeling good and feeling bad about not smoking.

From "Out of the Ashes"

Laura’s “ramble” One year
12 months
365 days
Whichever way I look at it, I am completely awed by this accomplishment. 365 days without one breath of smoke. 25 years after I began this crazy addiction, I think I have finally succeeded in ending it.

I say 'I think', because even though I've pretty much got the worst of it over, I know that it would only take one moment of weakness to throw me right back to over two packs a day.

You see, I am an addict. I never admitted to that before this year. Smoking started as a way to be cool, continued as 'my only vice', and ended when I finally acknowledged this as an addiction, and learned how to recognize and then ignore my junkie thinking.

Admitting my addiction was a big step for me. I am a very strong person in every other area of my life. I'm the one people come to when they have a problem, or need a shoulder to cry on. For the first time in my life, the tables were turned, and I was the one in desperate need of help. I never thought that quitting would be so difficult emotionally. I certainly wasn't prepared for the sadness and the unbelievable loneliness that the loss of my cigarettes brought to me. I felt like an idiot for letting such a stupid thing throw me into a tailspin...my emotions ran from despair to complete and total anger...how could I have been so stupid to start this in the first place?

That being said, I did get past it, and came out on the other side better for it. I learned a lot about myself in this process, some good, some bad...but I made it! I've made many positive changes in my life in the past year, and have more planned for 2003 (goodbye chocolate and hello exercise...LOL).

If you are just starting out I'm here to tell you that you can do it. Nobody enjoyed smoking more than I did, I was really good at it too! Remember to take it one day at a time...you can do anything for just one day! Good luck to all the new folks who have just joined Blairsville, and thanks to all those who have been around for the past year to clear the path for me.

Laura G
smoke free for one whole year
01-02-03

(neat date, huh?)