I really have no idea where to begin this or where it will go, but that sure sounds like a "ramble" to me, so let's go ramblin'...

I started smoking when I was 13 years old. I had an after-school job babysitting a five-year-old and I would walk with her over to the store to buy cigarettes...I was playing grown-up. So that's how this whole addiction started: playing. A deadly game.

After that job ended, I guess I stopped smoking too. I wish I would have stayed stopped! I kept smoke-free through high school (including a period of time at 16 when I lived in France and EVERYONE smoked) and the beginning of college. It was probably around my sophomore year (I was 18) when I started smoking regularly -- it may have been to be "social" with my best friend who smoked or maybe because I was an actress and I thought it was "cool" or "avant garde" (what can I say? I was a artsy fartsy kid who had probably seen way too many French movies at an early age!). But I think I really became a smoker when I went to France to study for a semester my senior year in college (I was 20). I was not a rich kid and didn't have money to do entertaining things like take off for the weekend to go skiiing in the Alps or run all over Europe every weekend, so what did I do for "entertainment"? I bought cigarettes and smoked. They were cheap and strong and I could sit in my room and smoke up a storm and feel "cool" for not much money.

Looking back over that last paragraph, I realize that I hit a lot of the common reasons people start smoking: acting grown-up at a young age, being "cool", being lonely, bored, in need of a "treat". Interesting.

Anyway...

When I came back from France I was a full-on smoker. That was half my life ago (I was 21).

I smoked through graduating from college, moving to NYC, starting my career, plenty of love mishaps and celebrations, my father's death and so much more. It was a big part of my life...probably of who I thought I was. It took me a long time to call myself a smoker though...so I guess it's not so unusual that it takes a long time to really feel like/be an ex-smoker.

When I was about to turn 30, I decided I "should" quit. So I set the big day for my birthday. I ended up being very very sick on that birthday and so it was relatively easy to stop. But I think that quit may have lasted all of 2 weeks. I don't remember why I lost it...I think I probably just got tired of trying. After that I didn't try again for over a year.

My second attempt was in 1993 (I was 31). I had moved to L.A. from NYC in 1992 and thought it was a better atmosphere to quit successfully since smoking is frowned on more out here. I decided I would never smoke in my apartment once I moved here...so I made sure my apartment had a balcony! But, in August of '93, I got the patch from my doctor (it was still prescription then) and started a new quit. This was more successful because I was too terrified to smoke with the patch on...and paranoid that if I took it off and smoked I would still have so much nicotine in my body that I would have a heart attack...sometimes it's good to be nuts! This quit really felt like it was going to last...

...and it did until the big earthquake in January 1994. After it stopped shaking (horrifying feeling) and the sun came up, my roommate and I headed right over to a friend's and I bummed a cigarette from her. Later in the day, we went to the grocery store to get supplies and they weren't letting people actually go in the store because of the mess and possibility of dangerous aftershocks. So we lined up in the parking lot and had to ask the employees to go get what we wanted. There was one rule: you could have as much as you wanted, but only of four items per person. Guess what one of the items I thought was absolutely necessary was? Yup. (As I recall, the other "necessities" were Entenmann's chocolate chip cookies, sliced turkey and bread!)

After the quake, I was scared. I also was severely overweight as I had been most of my life (I now estimate I weighed about 260, but never got on a scale) and I worried if something catastrophic happened, I wouldn't have the physical ability to lift something or walk or run if necessary. So I decided to seriously lose weight. I cut out all fat and started going to the gym religiously. And I smoked instead of eating. And I lost weight. A lot of it. By the next year, I was down to 140. I definitely thought that smoking had helped me lose the weight.

I didn't try to quit again until 1999 (when I was 37). That time, I went cold turkey but I found an amazing tool: Blairsville!!! I met so many wonderful people with whom I cried and laughed and learned. And I kept my fingers busy typing instead of smoking. It was wonderful. I felt truly quit and tried not to be too upset about the 7 or so pounds I gained. That quit lasted from February 21, 1999 until July 31, 1999...when I met a man. One of the true loves of my life. And the night I met him, I stopped on the way home to get cigarettes...to "celebrate". It seems so stupid when I look back on it, but that is how powerful the addiction is for me. Even though he didn't smoke and we were together off and on for a few years after that, I smoked full-time (not around him though). I smoked because the relationship was complicated and I needed relief. I smoked because I couldn't see him as much as I wanted to. I smoked because (I now know)...I am an ADDICT.

So that brings us up to last March 2003. And the big question: why did I quit then? I've actually been thinking about this a lot the past few weeks and I don't know what the magic combination was! I had gotten a prescription for wellbutrin from my doctor at my physical in January (and he had even given me some samples to start with). Since the first quit attempt on my birthday in '92 had failed so miserably, I always waited until that exciting celebration was over for every other quit. I had resumed a serious yoga practice back in '99 and by last year it was noticeable that I couldn't "om" as long as many others in my classes could (it also felt a little bad to light up a smoke as I left my yoga class...but I'm a rebel, damn it!). Giving up smoking was the last "rebel thing" I had: I had given up overeating, had started exercising, had a good job, a mortgage, didn't party like I used to, etc. I did (and do) have my tattoos (!), but it still was hard to think of giving up my smoker pariah-hood (yes, in L.A. smokers are pariahs quite often). Anyway...

...in March last year, I had planned a trip back to Detroit, NYC and Bloomington, IL to see friends and family for two weeks. And I determined that when I returned to L.A. it would be as an ex-smoker. I didn't set a firm date on which I would quit (my doc had told me to just take the meds and quit after I had been on them for at least a week -- when it felt right). I took my wellbutrin with me and started taking it on the first night of my vacation. The first part of my vacation was in Detroit with an ex-boyfriend who is now a good friend and we spent about four days just smoking smoking smoking and eating and drinking. It was so much fun. It was also my last hurrah with cigarettes as my companion. I didn't "feel" anything from the wellbutrin and was worried it wasn't working. Then I took off for NYC (where, by the way, I was horrified that cigarettes were $10 a pack in some places!)...

While I was in NYC, I would notice that hours would go by without me remembering to smoke! This was the oddest thing. Here I was, not really sure I was ready or even wanted to quit, but I was quitting without even trying. Once I noticed this, I made extra sure to keep an eye on my watch so I wouldn't miss any of my final smokes! (Not really ) I left NYC still smoking. Then it was off to Bloomington. The war was getting ready to start (which made me very sad and upset) and we spent a lot of time watching CNN. I also spent a lot of time in my friends' backyard...smoking. But, again, hours would go by without me remembering to do it. Finally, the last night of my vacation arrived. I knew it was time to smoke the last one. At 10:30 pm, I went to their backyard and did it. Then I took the remaining cigarettes (four, if I remember correctly!) and threw them away along with my lighter.

I had quit!! But, if I am honest, on that day I don't think I really had any expectation that I would make it to this day still smoke-free since my longest quit until then had been five months long. But I've taken the last year one day at a time. I had been lurking at BV for a couple of months already so had come to know some of you already. I came back to posting at BV after I had been quit for a few days and was welcomed back with open arms by old (thanks, Bob -- it was great that you said you remembered me from '99, that helped) and new friends. The magic was back and I felt so blessed. I still do.

The past year has been full of major life and lifestyle changes -- I mark all the lessons and challenges and wonderful doors opening having started on March 21, 2003 when I had my last cigarette. It has been a great adventure starting to learn who I am behind the smoke screen that I hid behind for so many years (although, since I am more open now, some of my friends some days might want me to go back there!). It has been scary sometimes to face life without my friend, my crutch, my addiction. It has been hard to learn to express emotions that I have sucked down with smoke for so long. But I feel like I am finally living life FULLY -- the pleasant, the painful, the happy, the sad, the joyful!

I think actually admitting to myself that I was an addict was a large part of my success. When I really "got" that, I knew that I could never have another cigarette without becoming a full-time smoker again. When I put myself in the place of any other addict to, shall we say, more "dramatic" drugs like heroin or alcohol, I realized that for me cigarettes are just as harmful as those are to their addicts. Would a heroin addict shoot up "just once" and expect not to become addicted again? Exactly.

In a one-month period last year, I attended two funerals for people who died from smoking-related illnesses. One was for my dear much-missed and beloved friend, Sue. Her death was a great lesson to me and I promise that I will not forget. I send my thankful energy to her spirit.

The greatest tools helping me with my success were wellbutrin (my best friend made a toast last night to the person who created that -- she said I was much easier to be with this quit than before!) and BLAIRSVILLE. It was INVALUABLE this quit that so many Fogeys took time to communicate with and support little old newbie me...I was touched at their expressions of faith in me and I wanted to make them proud, and wanted to make them feel like what they did by supporting me like that was important -- IT WAS! The folks who are more newbie than me also helped so much: they reminded me why I didn't want to go back to an earlier stage of the quit and they also helped me by letting me post to THEM: I crystalized so many of my feelings and thoughts by being able to write them here.

I have some small thank-yous/memories of this first year that I would like to have memorialized in my ramble. I am sure I will forget someone/thing important, but I'll come back and amend it if I need to:

My friends and family in "real" life: Each of them has been so supportive...it has been like having a beautiful hammock swinging gently in the breeze with your loving hands holding me up. I am blessed with each of you.

Bill: My one-and-only quit brother! I have told you privately so many times how deeply touched I am by your faith in me since virtually day one. I hope you are celebrating today because today is a triumph for you too. Who knew when we first started talking about March Madness and your impending Fogeydom last year, that we'd be back here this year...with me going for two and you going into year three!

Cheryl: Ring Pops!! I'll never forget that. And how you chimed in with love and support when I had been quit for such a short time. You and your trips are beautiful.

Marsha: Another of my March Madness Fogey buddies! Girlfriend, your humor and wisdom amaze me every time.

JudyQ: How'd you get so smart, huh? Your insight and tell-it-like-it-is attitude is such a gift to all of us here.

Dharma: One of the oldest Fogeys (in Fogeydom, not age!) of all!! Your very name cheered me when I first came here as you know. You were one of the first people to e-mail me this quit and I'll never forget that. Not to mention that you created my special sunshine sig...my trademark!

Janice: My rock 'n roll girlfriend! Your humor and wisdom are so precious to me.

Rhonda/Tammy/John: My A.I. buddies!! So many nights during the first stages of my quit were made fun by our post-show update chats! We've gotta get that going again, ok? You are all dearies.

Lola: Dear sweet lady of Spain! Your positive attitude really inspired me to follow in your footsteps.

Ricardo: I haven't seen you in a while, but you are in my heart. Namaste.

Dawna: I miss you...your humor and Vipertude got me through a lot.

Skipper: Where to begin?! I was already a fan of yours before I even quit -- I'd been reading your wit and wisdom for weeks and thought of you as a real old pro when I quit since you were 7 weeks ahead of me (and you quit on my birthday to boot!). Our conversations got me through some tough nights...and you taught me how to do ebay too!! I think ebay should send you a thank-you note! You have taught me so much.

Jonathan: Mon chou, mon cher legume. I am so honored to have you as a friend. Your words are beautiful and so are you. I've told you privately how much you mean to me...you do. You are the courageous phoenix.

Tess: Oh poet laureate! Your talent for words and so many other things are amazing! I've saved every one of your poems/limericks and I treasure them. And you.

NancyBrokenToe: Just typing that makes me laugh!! And that, my friend, is a great gift you give me.

Nicki, my darling little sis: I am so proud of you. I am so lucky to have you in my life. You are the best Half-Fogey present I got!!

Cheri: YOU RAWK!

Joy-full: I miss you...and our chats from early in the quit. Not to mention the puppy photos!

Kimbie/Skicheryl: You both helped me so much when I was having "women's" problems with the wellbutrin withdrawal.

Kash: My West Coast bud...thank goodness for you during the late nights!

Blair (I almost forgot!): No words exist to thank-you enough for creating this haven where I have come for refuge since 1999.

WHEW! I can't remember any more right now -- please feel free to let me know if I've forgotten a special interaction I've had with any of you!!! I want the record to be complete!!! LOL To all of you listed above and all not listed too: I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SMOKE-FREE (AND THUS HEALTHIER) LITTLE HEART. It's an honor to be among you...and to have learned how many truly special people live here in Blairsville.

In my yoga class this morning, our meditation was about the Spring Equinox which, ironically, is this weekend. This Equinox is a time of balance (night and day are equal) and new beginnings (spring is springing!). I find that so appropriate for this special day of mine...and for each of our journeys that we are sharing here.