Over the next twenty-five years I smoked, smoked, and smoked some more. I can remember smoking in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, at my desk at work, on airplanes and even in the dressing room of the finest department stores. A lot has changed over the years regarding the acceptance of public smoking… but I didn’t care. I smoked, smoked and smoked some more… I honestly considered myself a conscientious smoker… always trying to respect other people’s rights.
I can’t remember when the thoughts of quitting started haunting me. Maybe five years ago or so… nothing serious – just thoughts of what it would be like to play a game of basket-ball on the drive way or have a good belly-laugh without coughing my head off. The years of being an addict were starting to catch up with me… physically, mentally and yes – spiritually.
Over the last several years I was slowly ushered outside to smoke. This created a huge problem for me. I was starting to act like a damn robot. I couldn’t step outside without lighting up. Even if it was only from the car to the store entrance… I also found that I had created a whole existence for myself outside. Complete with pictures on the wall. I hated my addiction, I hated smoking and I was starting to hate myself as a smoker.
Then it started… first a friend, then my brother… a girl at work, and oh my gosh – not the cleaning lady! All these people were quitting. This part of my story is hard for me to share…. Instead of being inspired by their quits, deep down I found myself happy if they failed. I am so ashamed. I hated my addiction, I hated smoking and I was starting to hate myself as a smoker.
Last year over the 4th of July weekend I was sitting outside by myself… smoking, smoking and smoking some more – Looking down at the overflowing ashtray, feeling nauseated because for some reason I just couldn’t seem to smoke enough to satisfy my addiction, I started to cry. The tears ran down my face as I realized how out-of-control this horrible addiction was. Why was I making myself sick? Why do I do this? Why can’t I stop? I want to STOP!!!! I really really want to STOP. Okay, it was time. It was my turn to quit smoking.
I made an appointment for a physical and to talk about a smoke recovery plan. My doctor encouraged me to try hypnosis and a three-month treatment plan using an herb called Lobelia. I can’t say if being hypnotized worked, but I did leave with an odd craving for water and the tape I bought did help me relax through the rough spots. But the Lobelia (also called rabbit-tobacco) was truly a factor in my success. I think it must have been comparable to wearing the nicotine patch.
One night early in my quit, I was in the process of looking up information about herbs and smoking on the Internet and I ended up in the Blairsville Chat Room – like so many others before me… I was rescued by Bob and introduced on the Bulletin Board. I now had everything in place for a successful quit.
Excerpts from my journal:
2 months 1 week - I am still fighting the grip of my addiction. I have gone from feeling sad and weepy to mean and ugly. The more weeks that go by – the harder my addiction is fighting me. The nicodemon is hard to kill.
(Fighting the good Fight)
3 months - down and all’s HELL. Haven’t smoked 2,800 cigarettes. Depression too much to handle at this point. I’m waiting for the doctor to see what options I have.
(Stick and Stay it’s Bound to PAY)
Put on Wellbutrin SR for six months
4 months 1 week 1 day - 3,950 cigarettes not smoked. I am still very AWARE of my addiction. Some days are easier than others. I feel like I’m starting to gain some ground. I know it would be very easy for me to lose my quit. I have to protect myself at all times.
(Fighting the good Fight)
5 months - Sometimes it feels like I’m going backwards in my recovery. The only salvation I have at this point is Blairsville. No one else seems to care. Why did I ever start this awful crusade…
Hello?
6 months 1 week 2 days - over 5,800 cigs not smoked. I have finally turned the corner with my addiction. It no longer rules everyday of my life (but some) I can clearly see the smoking prison that I was in and I’m glad I’m not behind those bars anymore.
7 months 1 week - Waiting to see the doctor for a follow-up. I have officially gained 14 pounds and I don’t like it. However, my recovery process is good. Sometimes if I have a meltdown, a cigarette doesn’t even enter my mind. I ran a little bit for the first time yesterday.
8 months - I still have no desire to work in the yard or be outside. I don’t care if I ever go outside again. Sometimes I wish I could smoke… what’s up with that?
9 months - I just returned from a trip to see my Mom. The 2nd hand smoke in her apartment really bothered me. My throat is raw and I have a barking cough. I’ve gained 18 pounds and it doesn’t seem to be stopping.
10 months 2 weeks - I’m comfortable with my quit !!! Can hardly believe I said that. It won’t be long and I’ll have to start working on the weight I’ve gained. The FREEDOM of not smoking is beyond words. It’s a miracle…
11 months 6 days - My big year anniversary is almost here. I have given up the idea that the One Year mark is the end of my recovery process. I will always know that I was once a smoker. And I will always have to protect myself from the nicodemon. But that’s okay because I love being an ex-smoker and I will never go back… The whole smoking world makes me sick.
I have so many things I’d like to share, especially with the newbies, but I know my ramble has to end somewhere. I do want you all to know that …. My quit has been the hardest anyone has ever had to endure. Nobody’s quit could ever compare to how difficult some of my days were. Well, maybe with the exception of Laurie, Bob, Sherry, Rita, Maggie, Tommyboy, Mark, Pat, Deets, John, FishyBev, Ina, Michael, DaveS, Wrengirl, Lisa, Deb, Charlene, Moneca, Neecie, Tess, and all of my Blairsville Family. Thanks to everyone in the late late / early early crowd that lent me a helping hand along the way. AND remember…… One year of your life isn’t very much when you consider the BIG PICTURE… so give it up.
I have tried for many years to stop smoking. I always knew it was bad for me, but I kept telling myself “I’ll quit some day.” I smoked for 21 years, from the time I was 12 years old. I was smoking 2 packs a day.
When I made the decision to quit, I decided to use Wellbutrin, because the last time I tried to quit it seemed to help. I took the Wellbutrin along with nicotine gum, and for some reason, for me, it seemed to be the combination that finally worked. I barely remember the first few days of my quit. I remember I found this place on the internet called Blairsville, and the people seemed sincere. I remember asking for help, because I knew that on my own, I could not stay quit. I need help. I have been involved with other support groups to help me with other addictions, but no addiction was harder to break than smoking. None. I was having a rough time. I just kept taking it one day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. There were times I had to take it one minute at a time, all without smoking. I can remember the first day – I would read posts from people that said things like “Smoking, even one puff is NOT an option”, and “smoking won’t help me in any way”. After I got through the first day, there seemed to be a sense of hope, like maybe I can do this thing, always keeping it one day at a time. I posted a lot in my first couple of months – mostly at work. My work actually shut off the connection to Blairsville, but I was so determined to stay quit that I went to the I.S. Department and Human resources and was able to keep on line to support the thing that was absolutely most important to me – keeping my quit.
Something else that I can’t leave unsaid here is that I prayed a lot. Through a 12-step program, I came to believe in a power greater than myself many years ago. I figure if this higher power can remove the obsession from other addictions, I should use the same faith to help with smoking. I’m not trying to push my faith on anyone else here – this is simply what has worked for me and felt it important to mention.
After the first couple of months, I came off the Wellbutrin and started to enjoy the things in life that non-smokers have always enjoyed. I could start to smell things again, taste things again (ok, taste LOTS of things!). I gained weight. It doesn’t matter. I’ve lost 20 pounds in the last couple of months, but I had to keep my quit number one priority.
Some of you know that I’m a single parent. I have been raising my 2 boys by myself for almost 5 years now. I wouldn’t smoke in the house, but I would smoke when they were in the car. I felt really bad about doing
that, but the addiction made it so I felt I had to. I would rush through dinners out sometimes so I could go out and smoke. I remember going to baseball games and having to take my kids with me out of the seating
area to smoke. The freedoms I have today, after a year are numerous. Some include being able to run, play, swim, and ride bikes with my kids. I can sit in a
movie or a ball game without having to worry about the next smoke. I have saved over $2,000.00. I don’t smell. My kids are proud of my quit. My oldest sang me “Happy Birthday” this morning.
I can breathe. I can laugh real hard without coughing.
I have been through some stressful times throughout my quit – layoffs at work, the end of a relationship among others, but not once did I really believe that smoking would be a solution for these things. I know that if I were to smoke, I would feel bad about smoking, so I just don’t smoke – NO MATTER WHAT! Work through the cravings. Accept them
as a reminder of he disease of addiction and you will gain strength with every victory over them.
Because of my situation at work having changed, I don’t get to spend as much time visiting Blairsville as I used to. I do check in – usually
first thing in the morning, but I do know one thing:
It’s a special place. There is a magic that happens here that is incredible. It is filled with people that know exactly what I’m going through throughout my quit, so if you’re knew to your quit – stick close
to this magical place. It has literally saved my life and I am forever grateful to the wonderful residents of a place called Blairsville.
HUGS, and LYMI
Jeff
