Some people say you'll know when the time is right to quit, because you'll be ready. That must be a joke, huh? When I stopped last year, I wasn't ready and I knew I would never, ever be "ready". Truth be told, I like smoking. I like it almost as much as I like being a smoker. Yes, I admit it. So there. Why else would I have done it every day for thirty-one years? I am certain there are many of you right now who are thinking I must have obliterated most of my brain cells while inhaling those toxins, and you are probably right. You're also likely questioning my ethics in saying this to a forum where so many of you desperately hate your addiction and yourselves even more for having the addiction.
As I said, I was not ready to stop smoking. When I had put out my last cigarette, over a year ago, I considered it to be a short-term ruse. It was a well-planned act to appease my family. I had promised them years before I would quit in the millennium. I strategized that if this appeared to be a serious attempt, they would forgive me for failing and hopefully accept the fact that I, indeed was a life-long smoker. I figured I could last a few weeks, maybe even a month. Still, I was prescribed zyban - to be safe and to take the edge off. Brain dead or not, I was no fool. I knew it would be hell.
Initially, I did not think the zyban worked. I didn't feel any different. In fact I was smoking triple my usual amount before the quit date, trying to make up for the upcoming deprivation. Yes, yes - more indications of another brain-dead smoker. Despite my attempts to rambo smoke, my quit day arrived... too soon....too soon. I never would be ready. But I stopped, anyway. Oh yes, I stopped smoking and everything else - more or less. I stopped drinking coffee. I stopped talking on the telephone. I stopped writing. I stopped entertaining. I stopped having wine with dinner. I stopped laughing. I stopped dancing. I stopped going to the theatre. I think for a little while, I even stopped breathing. It's okay. I started again. Breathing that is, and pretty much everything else I had put on hold.
Not smoking is not impossible. At first, I concentrated on getting through each craving. No more, no less. Then, I announced to myself each morning that I chose not to smoke that day. Somehow, I got to the point, where I knew I could make it to the first month anniversary. Then I thought... okay, let's try to make it to the end of the three month zyban period. Voila! Six months? Nine months? Could I possibly last a year! Who me? Not a chance. I like smoking.
Life has a way of testing us. During the past year I've had to deal with
personal illness, surgery, the suicide of a student, and now trying to make
sense of the tragedy of September 11th. I know many of you have fought your
own demons too - ended relationships, lost jobs and faced so many other
trials and tribulations. Yes, these are the things that sometimes cause us
to give up our quits. The irony in all of this is I did not smoke in the
past year. There are others who want to stop more than anything in the
world, and they have slipped over and over. Why haven't I? Beats me.
Zyban does help but it wasn't the only magic pill. Maybe it's the fact I
understand and accept my love for smoking. Maybe, it's that I keep taking
baby steps. Maybe managing one day at time is so much easier than forever.
Maybe, it's Blairsville. I have learned from your victories and your
relapses. I have been inspired by your courage and your compassion.
And maybe, just maybe its the very irony I like smoking that makes this
quit of mine so precious and so fragile that I know I'm not ready to let it
go. Not yet. Not today.
Keeping the flame alive
-Jan (one year, 2 weeks, 1 day... more or less)
Ed. Note: Jan posted the following on 03/14/2002 on the occasion of her 18 month (smoke :) free) anniversary.
Sometimes, I am a playwright.
Like most writers, I am superstitious. Everything must be just so in order for the muses to be kind. There are customs, traditions and rituals that have to be followed if I hope to write a single line of dialogue. I must wake up early, hours before the sun comes up. There must be a pot of black, hot coffee brewing at all times, with a steaming cup always beside me. Classical music must be playing softly, unless the script is a comedy, and then only jazz will do. And then there were the cigarettes. There could not be less than two packs beside the computer with a minimum of one burning in the ashtray (often two or three were burning simultaneously.)
When I first stopped smoking, I could not imagine being able to write without a cigarette. I posted that fear here at Blairsville. As usual, I received many responses but there is one I remember more than the others. The writer was an old-timer here. She told me that this community was filled with a wealth of humanity - wonderful, loving, interesting people and if I decided to stick around, I'd have enough material for a dozen plays.
So I hung out in cyber space. Sometimes I've logged on, not because I'm craving cigarettes, but simply to catch up with all of you and your lives. You've often made me laugh. At times, you've made me grumble out loud in anger or screech with frustration. More than once, I've cried with you. I've learned of your triumphs and your failures. I've read about your wonderful families, your loneliness, your dreams, your courage, your self-doubt, your belief in God, and your pride for your children and your grandchildren. I've read dozens of apologies and a number of people who said farewell to Blairsville. Some of you came back, but some have not. In the year and a half since I came here, you've shared with us news about your families, the birth of your grandchildren, about your weddings and your new roomates in university. You've provided details about losing your homes to fire, the death of beloved pet or about the struggle of finding a new job. You've let us know about falling in and out of love. You've told us about your fabulous stats bike racing or mountain climbing or losing weight. You've related back us to us about loved ones who secumbed to disease and of your own struggles with your physical and emotional health.
I am thankful to so many of you and in awe of your commitment to this community and to one another. And I want to thank you for being there for me, whether you knew it or not. I want to thank Blair for his belief in all of us, Tommyboy for his down-home wisdom, Ina for her dry Scottish wit, Lars for being refreshingly politically incorrect, Rita for her conscience, Bob for his faith, Paul for his good intentions, Dave S and Mark for their hilarious sense of humour, Michael for his spirit, Dan for his audacity, Becca for her innocence, Forge for his tenacity, Deb for her optimism, Linda for her maternal kindness, John Miller for his strength, Donald (my heart goes out to you and yours) for his stubborness, Sherry for her ellipses and her philosophies, RobbieG for making my day whenever we're on line at the same time, and last not least Trish because she's cool and because she believes in magic!
Our world has changed since I first arrived in Blairsville. It may never be the same again. There are some things that are bigger than me or you or Blairsville.
Anyway, it's been one year and six months today since I stopped smoking. I've written and produced three plays since then and I've begun the fourth. Thank you Blairsville.
Jan's 2 year "ramble"
Two years ago today, I knew I was quitting for the last time. Truth is I thought my quit would last a few weeks, a month at the most and then like all the other times I would fail and then that would be it - I'd never try again. Well here I am, two years later and I'm still smoke-free. If the rookies are looking for some wisdom, I don't know much, but I've discovered this over the past 48 months.
Jan (Quit September 14, 2000 after Rambo-smoking for thirty-one years. And I'm more cool than ever!)
Jan
So… how am I doing? Fantastic! I have not had one! My resolve is stronger than ever. I actually feel a little guilty not spending more time here in the past 6 months. Truth is, I don’t think about smoking much any more. I guess that’s good. But I do miss hanging out here.
When I first quit I was worried about my daily routine, a year ago I couldn’t imagine a coffee break with out a smoke. I couldn’t imagine spending time out in the garage without smoking. It’s strange how it all works, the desperate feeling goes away, new routines develop, and life just keeps getting better.
I have tried to quit dozens of times in the past, what makes this time any different? Why did this attempt just seem to click? I asked this question before, here. I received many great answers. One reply stood out. He said that I have to realize that I may never have another, ever! Not after a stressful day. I couldn’t sneak one while I was alone, no one would ever know, right? I realized that a night out with the boys didn’t give me a night off from my quit. Not even a cigar to celebrate the birth of a child. Once I truly understood what that meant, I became strong. I will have to possess this belief for the rest of my life.
To those who watched over me, gave me strength when I was weak, and to those who made me smile when I was down. To those who provided me with wisdom when I was foolish. I owe you my life. Blair all of us thank you.
I hope to see a “tomorrow…. I quit”, post from someone soon.
Thanks for taking the time. Saturday will truly be a special day.
Derek
For those of you just starting this journey, believe me when I say “it does get better”. Just stick with it. Stick with Blairsville. We’ll help get you thru those rough spots. It’s been said before and I’ll say it again, there is a certain, special magic about this place!
I just want to thank everyone on Blairsville for being there for me thruout this past year. I know I couldn’t have done it without you. You guys and gals are the best in the world. I love each and every one of you!!!!!
Jennifer Alexander
Smoke free for 1 year today, October 16th, 2001
I smoked for about 12 years. I had about 3 or 4 half hearted quit attempts over the years, but they never lasted longer then 48 hours. I just liked smoking too much. It was a part of me - it was who I was.
However, I knew I had to quit - I knew it was hurting me. I couldn't play with my kids like I wanted, I stunk, my car was always full of ashes (I hated when the ashes stuck to the outside of my rear window when they were wet), I hadn't smoked inside a building for some time (even at home), it was a stupid habit - I had to quit - but how?
That was about the time I discovered Blairsville - the spring of 2000. I was just a lurker, reading the posts, soaking in all the information. Hmmmm... this place may be useful when I actually quit - I thought.
Then - a co-worker of mine had a heart attack, I will never forget the look on his face. I never seen someone turn green before. Scarey stuff. (He is fine now - fully recovered). That got me thinking...
I didn't think I could do it... I thought I had too much stress in my life. How could I quit? That was my first post in Blairsville. I was overwhelmed at the responses. Maybe I could do it? There will never be a "good" time to quit - there will always be something going on... So I did it - I finished my last cigarette at 12:10am on October 16, 2000. I quit cold turkey. I haven't had 1 puff since.
Education is what helped me. I tried to learn everything I could about quitting, smoking, cancer, addiction, etc... It helped me deal with what was going on. I understood that the cravings would pass. That smoking a cigarette would NOT change anything during a crisis - The crisis would still be there. That I was 1 puff from a pack a day. Amazingly enough - I survived, 1 day at a time. It wasn't easy - day 2, week 2, the 3rd and 6th month mark were very hard for me. I hung in there - I was told things would get better. They have, and are still getting better each day.
It is AWESOME to be smoke free! Words can't describe the feeling of freedom I have. It is SO WORTH IT!!!
Keep your quits! Smoking is NOT and option. Smoking is not now, nor will it ever be, the solution to anything.
Your Friend...
John_F
---
1y 11:02 smoke-free, 9,131 cigs not smoked, $1,369.65 saved, 1m 1d 16:55 life saved